How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
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So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
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No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize