It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
