Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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