I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
