I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The power of my boobs compel you
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
