Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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