Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
