WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
