I am in a vortex of obligation.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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