I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
