theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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