After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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