it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
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I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
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I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just want nice things and good sex
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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