Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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