i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
