only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
