You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
