hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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