My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I touched a dick in church today
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
