Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
COCAINE IS GR8
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
