I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
