Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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