Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
