It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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