Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm getting married
To pizza
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
