nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
