life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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