Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
