You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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