Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
