Your tits are I can't wait for
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
