Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
