I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
