I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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