you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
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