So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
