Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
