I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
