No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
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I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
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He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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