too bad you live with your parents still
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
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He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
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Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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