Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
