You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
