Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
