I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
