I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
