Don't make out with my wife yet
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
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morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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