And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
