do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
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I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
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Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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