just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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