Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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