I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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