when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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