Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
