i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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