You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
