the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
