I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
