I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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